Today I find myself overwhelmed with a reoccuring feeling. A feeling that absolutely terrifies me and makes me shake my head and say, “Why?!” I don’t know when it started, but lately I’ve been thinking about having another baby. Wow. Even putting that thought down in writing scares me. Mentally, I’m exhausted. Physically, I’m exhausted. Emotionally, I’m exhausted. And yet during the day, while I play with and take care of Chloe and Ben, I find my thought wandering to the unknown, yet-to-come adventure of having three children.
I am not currently pregnant, nor do I want to be just yet (I want to wait until Ben is at least a year old), but I find my heart becoming more open and less hardened to the thought of another one. Maybe it’s all the wonderful, motherly examples I’ve been blessed to witness. This one friend of mine in particular has 5 children under 6 years old and I think she is one of the most amazing women I know. I don’t know her overly well, but she has greatly impacted my life simply by having 5 children under 6 years old.
In the middle of the night when I am nursing Ben, or during the day when I’m dealing with a two year old’s tantrum, I start to doubt why on earth I’d even bother to think of another child right now. Am I crazy?! Maybe I am. But I really love my husband and my children, and they truly are a gift no matter what.
While we’re not planning on another baby soon, and we are still in the stage of NFP where we’re hoping to avoid a pregnancy, it’s kind of a terrifying excitement to know that my heart is opening and that another little soul (right now, this soul is just a thought in the mind of the Creator) will come into our lives ‘soon’.